A recap and a reflection

I haven’t created anything lately. For the past three weeks, I’ve focused only on programming and running the company. Not just out of necessity. Building something and making it work has always filled me with joy.

But lately, I’ve been kind of fed up with the “dev” world and its vanities, its criticism, its ideologies and convictions. Maybe I’ll stop doing the little things that have made me happy for almost 30 years. And that “maybe” is a very serious one.

I’m thinking about dedicating myself only to work and to what can be created and generated through it. I don’t know. I just don’t have the same enthusiasm I had in my twenties anymore.

This year has been complicated. This could be considered a sort of mid-year assessment, even though the year won’t actually end for another few months. But there have been so many losses, so many difficult moments. Probably the hardest year of my life.

Just to give you a brief idea, I lost people I cared about deeply and who were very close to me. I lost relatives in Lebanon because of wars. I lost relatives in Brazil, more than five of them. I was betrayed by people I considered friends. I watched people driven by greed come close to destroying everything I had built. And on top of all that, when it came to work, I faced a crisis unlike anything I had ever faced before. And yes, I had to overcome it and build everything back up again.

My social life has become nonexistent. It’s been almost a year since I even knew what it was like to go out and just sit somewhere talking to people. And I’m not even sure I want to anymore.

It’s hard to be optimistic when you have no idea what kind of unpleasant surprise tomorrow might bring, but I am, and I have to be. There’s no room to be weak when dozens of people depend on you.

Motivation is something I know nothing about. Discipline, I have. But above all, I know one thing: nothing beats obsession.